Isn’t it crazy we use the word “love” when talking about our children? That word is thrown around all the time.. with our friends, our partners, with people we’ve never met before, when talking about food or even material things. The feeling we have towards our children isn’t even close to a word that’s describable. And if love is the only word we can use, then it’s a love we feel so deeply it hurts, a love we feel so deeply we can actually feel it to our core. Then you feel it every second from the moment they’re born; your heart walks around outside of you and you become the most vulnerable person you’ve ever been and ever will be your entire life. It is without a doubt the scariest thing I’ve ever felt in my life.
Two weeks ago Bruin fell and hit his head on our coffee table. He had a deep cut and there was blood everywhere. I picked him up and immediately knew I needed to bring him to the ER. He ended up having to get three stitches on his forehead.
When your child gets hurt it can feel like nothing else in the world matters other than their safety. It’s an incredible instinct we have as parents to protect our children, but it can also be debilitating when the fear of their safety is all we can think about.
& No matter how hard you try, you can’t keep your child safe the way you wish you could.
I’ve always been a pretty easy going parent to Bruin and not overly cautious, I’ve always tried to let him explore and experience on his own. But after this incident I watched myself fall into a pit of anxiety over his safety. For the next week my nerves were on over-drive; every loud noise startled me, I cried at the most random times for no reason, I even missed a doctors appointment and my best friends baby shower the next weekend because I had the dates mixed up. I was living in a fog.
My anxiety probably came from a combination of a few different things, it could be from the pain I felt in my own body when seeing his blood all over, his innocent face I kept playing in my head when I picked him up that looked at me for assurance that he was ok, the fact that I had no idea what I was doing but knew I had to do it quickly and calmly, the fact that he was SO strong during the entire thing that I can’t even exactly tell him how proud I am of him because I have no words, or partly because of the fact that I’m doing this all on my own as a single mom and it can be overwhelming as hell sometimes. I don’t know but I just know the anxiety was intense.
After having some time to understand and address it, I’ve learned this..
- That no matter what I would have done differently, it still wouldn’t have taken away all the chances of him getting hurt.
- That there’s nothing you can do that will can keep your children safe all of the time.
- That living with anxiety and being in a constant state of fight or flight is not the way I want to live.
- That missing out on the present moment because of anxiety won’t make anything that could happen in the future any easier.
I’ll probably never get to a place of being free from anxiety, but I started changing the way I respond to my thoughts and this is what has helped a lot…
- When I catch myself thinking about something I fear and saying I wouldn’t be able to handle it, I tell myself I could, I would, and I’m stronger than I think.
- When I catch myself thinking about a million things I could have done differently in the past, I remind myself that I wouldn’t be where I’m at today, and where I’m at today I’ve learned to be thankful for.
- When I jump at any loud noise I hear, I remind myself to take a few deep breaths.
- When I hear Bruin cry because he fell or he’s hurt himself, I remind myself that he’s a kid and he’s going to get bumps and bruises
- And I’ve learned that as long as I’m well myself and can handle my own thoughts and emotions, that I get to be here fully present in the little moments to kiss him and make him feel safe again.
I’m making a post soon about what I’ve done so far with aftercare for his stitches, the scarring, the healing and all of that. I’m happy to finally be here sharing with you all again, even given the topic of this post.
